Good morning friends!
I have this terrible habit of blaming myself first, typically, when something goes wrong in a relationship or in an interaction with someone. Maybe you all have had or have this habit, so maybe we can get better at this together. It’s something I am still working on, but hopefully will continue to get better at.
You see, what an old friend helped me discover once upon time a long time ago, when I was friends with another crazy bih, was: other people are crazy, too. I was just under the wacky impression I was the only one walking around here nuts (which made me even more nuts, ironically. Help me Alanis!). That, and I also thought since I can’t control other people’s actions and should be accepting of their individuality, this meant it was okay for me to blame me. Clearly, there was always something wrong with something I must have done and not them because there was always something wrong with me and not them. Silly. I know I can’t control anyone’s actions, but my own, but I should have used my own autonomy differently.
Of course, all this psycho babble I was feeding myself was toxic and incorrect. Of course, others also have their own issues and make their own mistakes. I was walking around thinking everyone was this picture of mental health but me. Everyone was out here puttin’ on the ritz lookin’ like Gary Cooper, super duper but me. Or so I thought. But as much as you can blame it on low self esteem, it was actually pretty selfish too. Unintentionally, but nonetheless still selfish. I did learn, eventually, I wasn’t the only one running around here with mental issues, which helped tremendously, but it also created a slippery slope.
Yay, now I started to overly forgive people! I forgave all their mistreatment and other bad behaviors because I wanted to be much more considerate, much more understanding of their struggles than before. Cockamamie. This combined with my need for company (which is a topic for another day) created a toxic soup worse than the Primordial Soup The Red Guy made in Cow and Chicken. You can’t just forgive a-holes because they have a mental illness or illnesses. I’m sorry but Pete Davidson was absolutely effing correct:
‘being mentally ill is no excuse to be a jack***’.
I forgave things I shouldn’t have and made allowances far, far too much, far too often than they deserved. You can read all about one such example in my book about one of my toxic relationships:
Available on Amazon: https://a.co/d/9QVF6z1 🙂
Life will redirect you and/or your body will alert you when something is off. Don’t ever ignore what your body is signaling to you. Trust me, your body knows best. When something is off, something is off and you need to find out why. Like my yoga instructor Adrienne says “Find what feels good.” Seeing, after a long while, that this new method wasn’t working I, yet again, made more adjustments with how I connected with others. Life is a learning curve, so it’s more than okay to continue to make changes because that’s life, lol. Standing still will always be worse than making a choice.
At the moment, what I try to do, now, to connect with others in a healthier way, is to approach the person head on when there’s a negative interaction that leaves me feeling off. Being more vocal is still trying for me, but I’m getting better. Even told my mom recently how I continue to have nightmares about our relationship and she brushed me off, but hey, I finally told her. In trying to understand what triggers me in the first place, what I do is: First, try to rationalize what just happened. Second, I try to relay what I’m feeling to the affected party, so that I can get clarification and help navigate these aftermath-feelings.
This method is all fine and dandy if the person is actually interested in what you have to say, though. In the case, which happens more often than not, that the person has no interest or care in how they made me feel, then I just casually give them space. I really don’t need toxicity invading my peace, especially by someone who doesn’t care how they made me feel. If I realize this person, will not, as I mentioned before, bring peace but instead wishes to take it away, then I don’t need or want their company. There’s nothing to repair if the other party doesn’t care. I’ll say that again, there’s:
Nothing to repair if the other party doesn’t care.
This filtering process can leave my social life pretty slim and quiet, but honestly, if I won’t waste money on things that don’t serve me (especially in this economy), why should I spend my energy on things that don’t serve?
Cost and worth friends! Cost and worth. Look out for the cost and worth of your energy. Someone’s got to have your back, why not let it be you?
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