*clears throat* Is this LiveJournal?
No silly, your LiveJournal is still out there with your arch nemesis.
That’s right. So let’s jump right into it!
I’d like to share a little of what some days (most days?) look like for me, so here’s one…
I woke up at 6 or 6:30 in the morning and decided since sleep had been robbed again, I’d use my time productively and work on my Digital Marketing class and my book. After all, I actually slept okay compared to most nights and waking up after 6 is still a work in progress.
After my morning homework, I headed to work and brushed my hair between stops because I’ve been shedding like crazy and hate picking up all my hair at home.
Dear Future Car Cleaner,
I know you may not understand and might think I'm just another b**** with a dirty car but I swear I've grown bionic vision for them and my back is hurting from bending over so much to pick up hair.
I just seriously think I'm waking up bald one day at this point.
Also, can't even hold my hair up to avoid the mess because apparently my scalp has decided to attack me. I've somehow offended it with my stress and it's paying me back with yeast and dandruff, so I'm having scalp sensitivity as well.
Trust me, there's nothing I haven't tried. I'm even on some medicated shampoo now if you must know, but I haven't seen much difference with my scalp, just my hair.
But oh well. Deal with it, Car Cleaner Man.
-Crouching Nessa, Hidden Hair
When I got there, I parked outside and mentally prepared for the day ahead by pretending I didn’t have to work in a few minutes. I played Pokemon Go, listened to my favorite music, and birdwatched.
There’s a lot of ducks and chickens at my job, but no it’s not a farm, it’s an office job. 🙃
At work, I drained my non-existent social battery all day in a place where I am expected to speak to people all day long. I really don’t know how I do it. All day I can’t wait to go on break, so I can sit in my car and once again listen to my music in peace while enjoying a meal (if it’s in the budget it’s Chick-fil-A) away from everyone.
Later, I got home and tried to decompress for the day by watching a comfort show or movie while simultaneously trying not to let my thoughts consume me. Because although I love to be alone, the same incessant thoughts and need to do more still side saddle along for the ride whether I am with company or not.
At night, I attempted to drift off to sleep and not wake up every hour on the hour as I did the other day.
But! there’s worse things and worst days in the world. Like my birthday coming up for example. Just kidding!
But yes, given my nightly reflective thoughts are already annoying, they are certainly more so now with my birthday coming up soon. Reflect the day, reflect the year, reflect your life. It’s exhausting.
Midnight shakes the memory like a madman shakes a dead geranium.
T. S. Eliot
You begin to feel embarrassed for not doing what was right for you sooner. You start to pick apart what you could have done or even mistrust what you’re doing now.
But hey. We’re here now. Can’t change what didn’t happen, but that’s what needs to count: NOW. Be here. Be in NOW.
So, between trying not to go bald, while trying to relax, and learning as much as I can about myself to see what I’m capable of, I am:
Exhausted, stressed, and overwhelmed but also excited, happy, and alive.
Not all days are perfect nor are days perfect all day, but their mine. And as Meta from Whatsapp has told me, self-awareness teaches us to be kinder to ourselves and others: so be kind! I’m learning to. Let’s learn together. 🙂
I’ve definitely learned to be more patient and gentle with myself. I know I’m growing and not perfect, but it’s okay. I feel stronger through vulnerability than through a veiled, avoidant strength.
Go easy on yourself. Progress can be annoyingly slow, but just wait for the upswing. It’s coming.
Just found another hair strand down my shorts. Why is that their go-to place?
Keep punching!
Rocky
Stop Right Now, And Read My Blog 
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