I can’t see me lovin’ nobody but you for all my liiife! When you’re with me, baby, the skies will be blue for all my liiiife! Or so they say, but honestly, given the few relationships I have had and the ones I’m surrounded by, I rather be alone.
Mejor sola, que mal acompañada.
(Not to mention, I am navigating in a very tool-filled pool in a very strange period of time.)
As I sit here eating my bagel and cream cheese and think of my day ahead, week ahead, month, etc., I know I can do this without permission. I don’t have a suffocating parent or boyfriend I have to check with before I make plans for my betterment, for my life. But this isn’t about hyper-independence (which I’ll get into) because I do believe we should have more of a villager type mentality (something else I’ll get into later). This is about having say over what happens next in my life and whoever I’m close to adding to my plans, not subtracting from them. They’re supposed to supply me advice and support, not consent. If the requirement to hold any kind of relationship with them is to let them control me, then that’s just selfish and not the least bit healthy for either of us. One of the reasons this is so toxic is how limiting and restricting this behavior is. There can be no growth in an environment where there’s no self-reliance. It’s clear, though, the controlling party waaants it thaat waaay.. But woon’t tell you the real reason whyyyy. However! Worry not. I’ll tell you. They want your dependency because they’re too scared to live their own life and thus YOUR life becomes theirs as well. Forever. Whoopee! Or for as long as you allow it. Crap deal if you ask me. That’s so draining. With so many things in life already siphoning us dry, shouldn’t the person we care about be one of the few that doesn’t? On the contrary, shouldn’t they be your Johnny Castle lifting you up to the heavens like a swan? Instead of putting you in the corner, Baby? So ya. I’d rather be alone than hang around with a blood-sucking vampire, unless his name is Edward Cullen.
This is all because of Hyper-independence! Phooey. Well, I won’t say hyper-independence doesn’t have any sway on choosing to be alone but it definitely helps me be more selective with whom I allow in my life. Thanks to automation I can order whatever I need, work on whatever I need, and almost do whatever I need without leaving my house. Of course, this has its posies and negs because although it’s wonderful I can do so much on my own, it does kind of reduce my need to need anyone. But, that’s not what it is for me. Despite having the ability to do so much on my own, I still do try to connect with people. I suppose I have the privilege of doing it because I genuinely want the connection and not something from them. When I speak of people adding to your life, I mean, it’s a healthy balance where both of you end up better together than alone. I think hyper-independence, in balance, can be a beautiful thing. It means that you can throw back three Green Tea Shots and karaoke “Baby, One More Time,” but this time you’ll actually have someone cheering you on when you sing. You are CHOOSING to have this person in your life and they’re your biggest cheerleader. They aren’t in your circle because you need them, but because you WANT them and they make you better. Isn’t that nice? It’s saying, I can do Diablo IV’s Helltide on my own, but it’s nice that I have you to revive me. I choose to be alone because I can. Because I have the right. Not because company is unwelcome.
Although, I will say from personal experience, trying to connect with people in a healthy, selective way, even with family, IS challenging. I know it’s absolutely worth it, but with my guard up and all, I still see how I try to friend people but, unfortunately, people cannot friend back. I’m speaking like a cave man now.. Everyone is just a wee bit too selfish to think of anyone else currently. Being involved in someone’s life seems like a chore to most people. No room for anyone else in their life but themselves. I’ve learned, the hard way, to have to be alert to the “Pop Goes the Weasel” kind of person. Someone whose conniving little head only pops up when something peaks their interest and then disappears when there’s nothing available for their benefit. I also look out for the Tourist, a cousin of the Weasel, like they talk about in Parks n Rec. A person that just passes through your life, takes some pictures, and then disappears. So I stay alert for the selfish and release them into the wild as soon as I start to notice one-sided patterns. They’re automatically free and clear from any need for obligation. I just won’t do selfish people anymore, including my own family, which means I find myself alone more often than not, but it’s okay. I’ll stick it out. Eventually, I’ll find a relationship (romantically or platonically) where we both share a real, loving interest in each other’s lives and do our best to invest our best in the other. Clearly, it’s been incredibly hard to find anyone that cool, even with my hater filter on. But. I will continue to walk this lonely road on the Boulevard of Broken Dreams until I meet someone that realizes people are people and not AI (Say that last part 10 times fast.), even if this road is not without its challenges.
This article I read put it very nicely when it said that we all want to be a part of a Village, but don’t want to be a Villager. It’s true. Maybe you don’t need anyone to water your plants while you’re away because you have an auto-water feeder or something. Who cares? Ask your friend or neighbor to water it for you while you’re on vacation. Do it for the community. Do it for yourself. Humans aren’t made to disconnect from each other. We are supposed to get better WITH one another. Self-gratification is cool and all, but how much nicer does it feel when you share an achievement with someone, especially someone you care about? Or how about when you help someone accomplish something? That’s, a Villager mindset. A friend mindset, a partner mindset, a parent mindset, etc. It’s about connectivity, outside from wires. I just don’t understand how with so many ways to stay connected, why we are so disconnected? Connection and community is what people in your life should bring. If they can’t, then they’re not here for me or you. I got time though. As I work on trying to find a Villager, I’ll work on becoming one myself, so maybe one day I become part of a really nice village someday. 🙂
So are YOU better off alone?
Well, that depends. Do you feel better after having interacted with them or worse? Does the company you keep build you up or tear you down? Ask yourself, do they bring you down, Bruce?
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