Stop Right Now And Read My Blog

Things at work have become…worse. Yesterday I had a panic attack when my therapist asked me what was wrong. I opened my mouth to regurgitate the same information I’ve shared with whoever I thought could help me, but the words wouldn’t come out. Completely lucid, I couldn’t speak as my body shut down and I started hyperventilating. I got stuck on the word: toxic. If there ever was a need for confirmation that I need a break, I think that was it.

It’s insane that I’m here now because of a stupid job, but here I am: rattled and without a paddle. I find it so unfair that most of us are subjected to this kind of behavior and there are no real protections in place to help us. HR is a crap shoot. Upper management is worse. So we’re all just expected to tolerate trauma-inducing behavior because we need money? I’ve always said indentured servitude never ended.

And getting help outside of work? Just more bureaucratic red tape. I have lined up three therapists so far and have yet to get the doctor’s note I need to request my leave. Wouldn’t it be nice if mental health also had an emergency room?

So this is my current situation: I met with a therapist yesterday who couldn’t give me a referral but referred me to a different therapist that could. I have a scheduled appointment with them today, but although I reached out in advance to verify if they can help me with my problem before we even meet…they said they would answer me outside of my appointment – which doesn’t help me at all if I still get charged and the answer is no 🙃. I also have another appointment scheduled for tomorrow in case this lady – who already doesn’t seem too promising – doesn’t work out. Apparently, the only way to message these doctors in advance is to schedule an appointment with them – more red tape, more fun.

So we’ll see. All I know is I need help and my anxiety and everything that’s wrong with me is fueled by systems disguised to support me but only hurt me further. Financially and otherwise.

I left my job after 19 years to start living but it appears the world isn’t set up for that yet. Even a stupid job that is only meant to support on the way…is trying to destroy me.

Will I ever lead a balanced life? Will we?

Nessa Grey 💜 🩶