Stop Right Now And Read My Blog

I am on a journey. This really has been a journey. They are first-world problems I suppose, but man has it been challenging.

Yes, I’m talking about my mental health break/FMLA from work. I’m still standing outside of myself in awe because I asked for this. No, claimed it. As I struggle here – because I even had the nerve to ask for this time off – right now I’m even asking myself where my imagination comes from and if it’s truly mine? I see the ever persist existential crisis question pervades. And maybe that’s the problem.

Why am I still asking? Why am I so shaken? Do I need something to worry about or is this act of self-control rattling my core? Despite the rattle at work being much, much louder – which takes me back to my former question of needing to worry.

So this gentle act of defiance has shaken what was already a Tasmanian devil of a nervous system – there goes my brain again, askin’ where that came from…

I built her damn it! Whoever I am, I built her. Am building her. Because every moment of every day we have choices. Who are you choosing to be? Every wrong choice we’ve ever made proves how in control we are. We’re alive, aren’t we?

Anyhow, back on track…yes, this decision has been difficult and for all the wrong reasons because I absolutely need this time as last Saturday proved. Besides leaving my retail job after 19 years, this has been the second hardest move I’ve made at work to protect my peace of mind. And again, it shouldn’t feel this way. I shouldn’t feel like I’ve betrayed anyone or even much less myself because I’m taking much needed time for myself. These types of benefits – though not publicly announced like everything else at my job – exist for us. We are allowed and deserve to use them. They may feel or try to make you feel guilty or discourage you from taking care of yourself despite how haggard you might feel – because of them, to boot – but forget that. Immediately. Just as they are quick to let you go without notice. We definitely don’t have all the benefits we need, so let’s not act so miserly with what we have. After all, our and their reaction to using this benefit is just a symptom of a much larger systemic problem – both with us and this capitalistic country.

So ya, I feel guilty,  but I hope one day not to.

Because I don’t deserve that.

They don’t deserve that.

We don’t deserve that.

Take the day off, week off, or whatever is in your realm of possibility. No company or anyone deserves your life.

Reclaim your freewill. Live.

Nessa Grey 💜 🩶